In the midst of a difficult conversation or conflict, and even sometimes when I’m simply pressed for time, I often make a snap decision that is often a result of some latent fear. Were I more conscious of that fear, I’d likely be less reactive and may even make a different decision, but that’s seldom the case.

Recently I was triggered by a comment someone made during an intense conversation. Nearly in mid-sentence, I chose to walk away to get some fresh air so that I didn’t spout off something I’d regret later. That’s the good news. However, when I thought about it later I realized that I was triggered because the comment made me remember a way I used to be treated by someone else and I was probably afraid that this conversation would go that way too. I made a decision based on my fear of being rejected. Read More >

Someone once told me that the best way not to get into big ruts was not to get into small ones. I took this to heart when, for nearly two decades, I walked from the train station to my office 8 blocks away, using a different route every day. It was fun and challenging to find new alleys, watch stores come and go, walk through different office buildings and try dodging the raindrops by seeing how many underground routes I could find. The commute never got old and I always got to work happy having mastered the challenge. Read More >

Starting with the “big rocks” is a method of prioritization. It makes sense when you have a long list of things to do… but does it apply to difficult conversations? I submit that there are 3 essential elements that must be a part of that next performance review, talk with your teenage daughter or family dinner conversation about cutting back on expenses. Think of it as a formula – “L-P-3.” Read More >

Perhaps you’ve seen the “Big Rocks” demonstration Stephen Covey taught many years ago… you know, the one where you have a jar filled with little rocks and another filled with 3 or 4 big ones and you need to get them all into a small container? No surprise, the key is putting the big rocks in first and then all the little ones fit in around them. Done the other way around, everything spills out and doesn’t fit.

For me, some days inadvertently start with the little stuff like checking email, glancing at the paper while eating a quick breakfast and remembering to grab needed files before running out the door to an early meeting. On those days, I sometimes forget to make time for a quick personal strategy session to remember what is most important – the big rocks – for the day. Read More >

Last night I saw the movie “Side Effects” – a provocative thriller that focuses on the subject of depression and the consequences of prescription drugs. Depression is defined in the movie as “an inability to create a future.” That line got me thinking deeply about suffering, pain and anguish which all share that tightening field of vision into only what is right in front of us at the moment. Read More >

In conversations outside the ones we have with ourselves, setting appropriate context always has a positive impact on the outcome of the discussion. I’m especially prone to naively thinking that everyone around me is up to speed on what I’ve been thinking before I speak it out loud. Several years ago one of my mentors noticed this and counseled me to consider the power of setting more context. I still fall flat on my face quite often by jumping into a new topic without any background, only later realizing that I’ve just set in motion a series of misunderstandings. But I’m learning how to set the stage more frequently. Read More >

Last November I wrote a post here called “How to Love Deeply.” I’m curious about why this is the most searched and read post on this site and offer my thoughts here.

I believe that at some level all of us simply want to be loved, seen and acknowledged… for our human spirit to be validated. We know the real thing when it comes by how it soothes open our heart of hearts.  Read More >

I understand that warriors and chiefs of native tribes used to bury their weapons outside the area where they gathered to discuss terms of engagement or a potential settlement of a dispute. You’ve probably heard the phrase “burying the hatchet” which was a way of ritually celebrating a newfound peace. Recently I decided to do some intense personal work and found it to be a very good practice to consider the “weapons” I have in my mind’s arsenal, and ritually bury them so I the work I was about to do could be free from my own, self-limiting attack. Read More >

Whether you are a successful CEO of a multi-national company, a parent taking your kids to a soccer game or a trial attorney, you have ways of doing things that are driven by internal “maps” that were created beginning the day you were born. Recognizing those maps is key to taking responsibility for the impact you have on those around you – a key part of great leadership. Read More >

Sounds kind of heavy… to discipline our thoughts doesn’t it? Why do it and what’s the effect? In the last several months, I’ve battled a recurring series of thoughts that often get me depressed. Some say, just go see a psychiatrist and get over it--mild depression, hey everyone feels blue now and then… But I know there's more to this opportunity and want to let it be a defining moment of my life. Read More >