The Owl's Perch

Appreciation Ratios

Mon, 07 May 2012 01:16:00 GMT

I’ve been re-reading Dale Carnegie’s 1930’s classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” because the speaker coming to my Vistage CEO group this month uses it as his trusted guide on how to deal with people and I want to get every bit out of the presentation. I’m amazed at how timeless Carnegie’s principles are. Principle #2, “Give honest and sincere appreciation” is so pure and simple.

It made me think of the research from John Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” that has been used in corporate work because professional relationships, it turns out, thrive for many of the same reasons as personal relationships. Gottman says that a healthy relationship has on on-going ratio of positive comments to negative ones of at least 5:1.

These two ideas intersected in a very simple but profound way for me this week. Can I ‘up my ratio’ of honest and sincere appreciation, both for others and myself without succumbing to mere flattery?

I’ll start right now: I appreciate the English teachers in high school and college who challenged me to express myself clearly through writing. I’m thrilled that I was able to travel so much with my kids as they were growing up. I deeply value the exquisite, mothering love I’ve received from so many people since my mom passed 20 years ago. I appreciate the work I get to do with leaders who are willing to uncover the inner beliefs that hold them back. I’m grateful for this life I get to live that gives me such awesome content for my writing.

I can already feel a difference in my body. Imagine what might be different in how we experience the world around us with this kind of regular practice…

The toxic tendency of asking "why" in conflict

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 12:31:00 GMT

In a heated, conflicted moment recently, I heard a voice inside me asking, “how did I get HERE?” and realized I was spending more time trying to figure out why the situation was happening than I was taking action to the change direction—to the detriment of the conversation.

What I’m realizing is that in conflict there is a tendency to fall prey to what John Gottman* calls “toxic” behavior. He names BLAME, DEFENSIVENESS, STONEWALLING and CONTEMPT as the four “wild-horsemen of the apocalypse.” In the situation described above, I found myself subtly blaming the other person for causing me to react the way I did, which caused them to get defensive about their behavior, which caused me to shut down (stonewall) and give up, causing an unfortunate downward—toxic—spiral.

What might have been different if I upgraded that default response to something more like, “what do I (or we) want here?” or “what’s important about what we’re talking about?” If I am willing to claim full responsibility for MY portion of the circumstances, then perhaps that toxicity can be avoided. Moving from a “why?” to a “what?” kind of question seems like a simple way to change direction.

Gottman says that we all have one of these behaviors as a default response. So, in the spirit of upgrading my default response, I’m going to begin noticing more how I’m either contributing to the toxicity or not. I wonder what might be different in difficult conversations and what might be possible?

* Ideas from John Gottman’s book “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” are being used in many settings from coaching teams to resolving organizational conflict.

Upgrading Our Relationship with "Place"

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:34:00 GMT

Last week I read The New Globalist is Homesick in the New York Times about the persistent feeling of homesickness among immigrants and migrants. Susan Matt writes, “The global desire to leave home arises from poverty and necessity, but it also grows out of a conviction that such mobility is possible. People who embrace this cosmopolitan outlook assume that individuals can and should be at home anywhere in the world, that they need not be tied to any particular place. This outlook was once a strange and threatening product of the Enlightenment but is now accepted as central to a globalized economy. It leads to opportunity and profits, but it also has high psychological costs. In nearly a decade’s research into the emotions and experiences of immigrants and migrants, I’ve discovered that many people who leave home in search of better prospects end up feeling displaced and depressed. Few speak openly of the substantial pain of leaving home.”

I pondered my own experience of homesickness—or lack of it. I’ve traveled the world extensively and as a young adult lived on a 365,000 acre ranch as a cowboy for a summer, never feeling alone or yearning for someplace else. But recently I moved out of a home I had lived in for over 20 years and felt the nauseating nostalgia-sickness of watching everything I had worked so hard to establish get sold.

I think place is important because it is directly tied to our internal map of how we see ourselves. It may be tranquil, content and colorful like a Japanese garden. Or it may be an overgrown, un-cared for vacant field. I can’t imagine what it must be like for migrants to leave family and home in search of better prospects and I don't want to minimize or trivialize this pain. But I’m curious if upgrading internal relationships might be one antidote to pervasive homesickness? It certainly helped me get beyond the emotional pain of leaving a beloved place.

My learning is to remain intimately tied to a particular place--a place primarily within. Then I can notice that underneath the nostalgia sickness for familiar places is a desire to get centered and find deep gratitude. Once settled there, I can vision forward the new external places as expressions of my internal contentedness and gratitude. This allows me to better hold the conflicts that arise both in my work and in my life and upgrade my relationship with the way I see myself.

The power of Affirmation

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 20:10:00 GMT

My Grandfather always said this was the best month of the year—“Great people were born during February!” he’d say. His list would often be different but might include Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Ayn Rand, Hank Aaron, Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin, Michael Jordan, Smokey Robinson, Ansel Adams, Victor Hugo, Henry Wadsworth, Norman Rockwell, Thomas Edison, “and of course you and me.” Not to forget Valentine’s Day on which he not only had his Birthday but also his anniversary.” His words always made me feel proud, special and in good company.

As this “best” month begins, the narratives I tell myself strike me as instrumental in how they shape my experience. Do I hold “limiting beliefs” or “un-limiting beliefs” of others and myself? I can see how they either hold me back or launch me forward. My pride at sharing a Birthday month with great leaders prepared me in a small but meaningful way for being a great leader. How often to other stories fill in the blanks without my consent? Refrains like, “I don’t have the resources,” or “I’m just too busy” become self-fulfilling prophecies if I’m not careful.

I’ve heard it said that Sam Walton (founder of Walmart) once responded to someone who asked if he knew that they were in the midst of a recession with, “Oh I’ve thought about it and I’m choosing not to participate.” That’s a powerful statement, setting the stage for what may have allowed the company to stay in growth mode despite circumstances to the contrary.

Mindful leadership entails well-placed and well-articulated intentions that show up in our work, our homes and in every interaction we have every day. I believe we are always at choice to see the kind of future we want to participate in. What affirmations will you make today and will they launch you forward or hold you back?

The Way Forward

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 21:05:00 GMT

Last week hiking out of the Grand Canyon I was struck by how formidable the way up appeared even though I knew I had just descended on the same trail. All I could see ahead of me was a rock face going straight up thousands of feet. I couldn’t see any trail or even get a sense of the way out.

Then I looked down at the small well-worn path under my feet and visually followed it zigzagging away from my intended direction. I started climbing and three hours later I was back at the top of the canyon rim where I began the trek that morning. All I did was put one foot in front of the other—yes there was plenty of water, chocolate and encouragement from my hiking partner—and as we kept moving the way became clearer.

It reminded me of the daunting challenges in my life. I thought about how often I became afraid, disenchanted and even looked for someone to blame when the way out wasn’t obvious or appeared impossible. I remembered times when I was frozen in my tracks not knowing which way to go and wondered how I got in that place to begin with. Afterwards I realized that as I began with the end in mind and then starting to move that direction, the way did appear.

We all have experiences throughout our lives that feel hard. We create narratives about what the experience might entail and act accordingly. Thoughts like, “poor me,” “this will be difficult,” “there’s no way out” etc. end up defining what we experience. But I believe that we can actually achieve different results just by putting one foot in front of the other and keeping what we really want in mind. Then each step defines a story of courage and audacity and moves us forward. Challenges are just opportunities turned over.

I think of where this year might end up if I look ahead to the apparent challenges, picture what I’d really like it to look like, check to see if everything I’m doing is in alignment with my ability, strength and brilliance—and then start moving that direction without getting bogged down by how it might happen. I’ve decided to let 2012 be a fabulous adventure by taking one conscious, intentional step at a time. Care to join me?

Thriving Relationships

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 03:34:00 GMT

Why is it that relationships thrive or falter? I believe that relationships, organizations, and more broadly - systems - fail slowly and then quickly because of conversations that aren't happening. I've heard it said that the Queen of Denmark once commented that all the wars that have ever been fought were a result of a conversation that hadn't taken place. Why don't we have those conversations?

In my experience it appears that thriving relationships have healthy, open communication in common. That doesn't mean easy, nice conversations though. Like any system that is generative, creative tension often rules the day--opposing viewpoints able to exist in the same room, in the same conversation with trust and safety. A place where every voice gets to be "right, only partially" -- thanks CRR Global. And yet, paradoxically, it is only when we let ourselves be vulnerable that the real conversations begin.

What can we do? There is a three-pronged process toward better communication. The first step is to become better acquainted with one's self. It's no surprise that "Know Thyself..." was inscribed on the Gates of Delphi. Self-actualization must be an on-going process. The second step is to become a better listener (you know, two ears and one mouth) so that you can really hear what other people are saying and feeling. The third and crucial step for thriving relationships is to co-actively create an intentional, meaningful shared "we" space in relationship with others. Masterful, conscious, intentional relationship able to hold differences with grace and respect.

So why don't those crucial, fierce conversations take place? Because too often we are unwilling to dive deep into our own internal stuff, emerge a better listener of others and then create the "we" place where the best of both worlds has a voice. When this happens, truly transformational things can take place in our homes, our communities and in our world.

What's your first step?

How to love deeply

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 01:19:00 GMT

Thinking about "maitri" today, one of the four elements of love in the Buddhist tradition. Loving-kindness is the direct translation.

Real understanding is needed to truly love deeply. How do we understand each other? Thich Nhat Hanh in his book, "True Love" says that understanding is based on a "deep looking directed toward the person you love." Can I understand deeply enough what another person's suffering, joy, and aspirations are so that I can truly love? "Without understanding, love is an impossible thing," says Hanh. And he doesn't just use this term for those we're "in love" with!

So when I look at the person behind the checkout counter at the grocery store, the person in the car that just cut in front of me or the children who rang my doorbell trick-or-treating last night... can I look deeply into them and "see" who they are, what their story is, what their pains are, what their joy is? I wonder what might be different in my day if I did that. What might be different in their day? Might I get a different sense of what's going on in the world?

And then if I hold that stance for those I do love in a more traditional sense, what more is available in the relationship? It reminds me (okay maybe a bit sappy) of the expression of love in the movie "Avatar" when the Na'vi say to each other "I see you." I know what it feels like to be "seen." And I know what it feels like when it appears that I'm invisible. In this sense, I'm using so much more than my eyes to see... I'm listening to every clue from every source possible! And the potential richness of the relationship expands exponentially!

Don't we all hunger to be seen? I know I do. And, I think it starts with me looking deeply into those around me, even if only for a moment to get a sense of who's there. I'm going to give it a try--care to join me?

The view from here...

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 01:20:00 GMT

I have a love affair with owls... and they seem to have a love affair with me.

Owls have shown up in my life when poignant events have taken place. The day my mom died a Great Horned Owl perched on a dead Oak snag outside my bedroom calling all night. The nights that both my kids were born (2 years apart) a Great Horned Owl perched in a Bur Oak tree outside my room calling all night. When I was growing up, the day my family moved into our newly built home, an Eastern Screech Owl greeted us by sitting on a railing just outside the window. The list goes on...

I once rescued a Barred Owl that was hit by a car. The animal rescue shelter where I took it let me watch closely as they surveyed the damage. They explained that owls really aren't that "wise..." their brain is rather tiny. But they have enormous internal ears (the large disk shapes on their head) that allow them to hear mice under a foot of snow from hundreds of yards away. Native lore maintains that owl "medicine" allows people to see and hear what others try to hide, to detect and pinpoint subtleties. The owl's presence is a harbinger of significant beginnings and endings. The owl is my chosen (or did it choose me?) "totem."

So it is with great respect that the title of my blog is "The Owl's Perch." Listening is one of my greatest gifts that I use in my life-work. From here, I will post what appears significant to me from what I gather of events around me and in the world. My work is about transforming the chaos and conflict around us into opportunity... which takes an almost sacred ability to listen. It involves a paradox of discomfort and freedom... of danger and safety. If you dare, follow what is posted here and please comment with your thoughts.